As Q’aleane activates her holocron, she drags it over to her bed and sits down next to it.
After a long pause of just staring at the holocron, she collects herself enough to realize that she is already recording.
It has been a long few weeks. However, I am adept enough at reading the currents that it is close to being over.
This should make me content. Instead I find myself… disquieted slightly.
This is not to say I won’t be happy when our current conflicts are over. They have worn on me particularly hard after all…. but there is a sense of joined purpose that this has given us. In a very real way, this will be my last mission as a Jedi.
Because of this growing disquiet, I have had the opportunity to reflect a bit on what I have gained and lost.
As is evidenced by the disquiet itself, it has become clear to me that I have gained some level of what my sister would no doubt point out are emotions. I hope some of that will calm and normalize a bit once I have had the chance to return to my meditative routine, but for now it is interesting to observe in myself. I find myself wondering how much of that is natural, how much is the effect of this place and how much is new influences.
I have gained significant knowledge. I understand more about the force than I could have imagined in such a short period of time. Of course that knowledge has not come without its price. I keep wishing I could try to touch that which is beyond my reach, despite knowing the consequences right now would be disastrous. I am sure my sister would worry about that, however she needn’t as I do still maintain my faculty for reason.
I worry that I have lost some peace in my life as it seems both Q’ayla and Irsin will need significant help bringing themselves back from the depth of the darkness they find themselves in. Their constant nightmares worry me. Q’ayla’s skin discoloration worries me more. I see much hope that they have not dived into the depths but merely waded into them, but I fear I will spend many a morning to come trying to ease their burdens enough for them to recognize reality from their nightmares.
I have definitely lost the Jedi Order. Even if I could go back (and given what I have experienced here, that is doubtful), I doubt my sister could and Irsin definitely could never follow that path. Despite my resolve to find a new order and balance, I do find myself saddened by this. This is something I will have to explore more in my meditations once I am free from the current trials.
I have gained, I hope, some connection with the most powerful women on Dathomir. If it is not friendship yet, I feel it growing in that direction. I have shared with them my worries and they know of my path away from the Jedi. In truth, no matter the troubles we have had here, I feel that we might end up having a refuge on this world when we are done.
Which brings us to the task at hand.
We finally unified the clans and have a solid plan to move forward. In part, my task is done. I am not a leader, nor am I a fighter, although I have done both. My skill lies in seeing the web of connections and moving the strands to a goal. I have helped facilitate the historic reunification of this planet through diplomacy, curiosity and my skill in the force (along with a whole lot of desperation). That is my strength. Now we get into areas where Q’ayla and Irsin have their strength. Irsin from what I have seen is a tactic strategist of the highest caliber. My sister, whether she knows it or not, is a leader and a great warrior. It is becoming time for me to step back and support them in the same way they have been supporting me.
I find I am glad. I have been pushing myself too hard of late and it is starting to wear on both my body and my mind. Stepping back will help me get a handle on myself again.
For now.. I think I am going to take a long, hot shower and celebrate our progress in what little ways I can… relaxation and a short respite of peace before the storm.
Q’aleane leans over and deactivates the holocron and moves into the refresher, shedding her outer layers as she goes. It appears as she gets lighter with every piece she sheds as if her cares are finally lifting.