Knights of the New Republic

Session 2 - Q'Aleane Personal Journal

{Holocron: Begin Private Message}
{Holocron: Encrypt at highest level}

I am Tired.

Since the last time I recorded an actual journal, I have become a Jedi Knight with Q’ayla. I was finally able to spend time with Q’ayla but it is killing me how difficult it is not to share every detail of what has happened over the last year. I might have to share more about my time with the YV if only for my own sanity, but there is so much I am not ready to say about my ordeals, and I have been sworn to not reveal anything that could lead to the discovery of Zonama or my vow to aid the YV. Even to her.

Despite this, it was good to be with her again. Despite her own troubles, I would not have been able to weather this on my own.

As to what I had to weather, well lets see… in no particular order:

I am sitting next to and looking at a holocron that is said to be an ancient talisman of power and symbol of leadership for the ancient Sith. I am traveling with and perhaps even befriended one who is formerly (or perhaps still) of that order. I am following (chasing?) and attempting to help said Sith confront and kill his master. A master which I suspect could probably have killed us but somehow let us win… If what we did could be considered win. I am having to confront my own worse demons from a thrice-damned door handle of the Sith… and worse it had to go and remind me of my time with the YV and remind me how much I want to tell Q’ayla… once she stops hurting. After all she still remembers me dying and killing our master (who is still alive btw) as if she just did it.

Well this has to be the least organized my thoughts have been for a while. Good thing I decided to get these thoughts out before I wrote the report to the council. I need to convince them of what I know through the force. We need to stay with Irsin… I am not sure why but we do.

Lets start with Irsin. This is the bounty hunter from some of my previous reports… apparently he did train with the Imperial Knights, during which he was convinced by an outsider that his master had killed his mom. Causing him to go into a rage and kill him. After which he was recruited into the Sith order. Not the normal “rule of two” sith, but some ancient cut off order. After becoming a Saber (their version of Knight), he found out his Master had been the one to kill his mom. So he went rogue and has been chasing him down. Only to find out his mom hadn’t died back then but was only recently killed. I am starting to wonder if she is actually dead at all. Either way this master has fucked with him since he was a kid. No wonder he is mixed up, frustrated and full of anger.

Then there is the holocron. I don’t really need to go into it too far as I will explain it in my reports, but suffice it to say I am frankly curious about it and I know once I turn it over the chance of me ever seeing it again is well, slim at best.

Now the door handle. Well it really wasn’t a door handle but whatever it was it accessed our memories and gave us a hellish simulation backed up by the full power of the force making us believe it to be more than real all to test if we could follow the Sith way. I won’t record here what happened to my sister. I still have to think through it and help her get through it. But for me I was presented with a crowd of children and civilians intent on causing harm to the master shaper and a YV child. Even though I was able to force myself to remember it was a simulation… there were moments where the senseless bigotry left me infuriated and it became all the more difficult when it became clear I had to kill them all.

I was surprised at how angry I felt, even though I was able to control myself… after I feel dirty. It feels like while threading the needle between two black holes, a piece of myself got off center and was lost. I know it is just a temporary feeling but that makes it no less real.

Which brings me to my sister. Her loss seems so much greater, and I don’t know what to say. I would share how I was able to get through my pain, but how do I do that without being able to share the pain I have had to go through. She thinks I don’t talk about the pain because of my vows… It’s just that she doesn’t deserve to feel that pain and loss. No… for now I will keep it silent. In time I may be able to share my experiences, but not until she is well again. Now I just need to figure out how to help her get well again.

For now I have to draw upon that silent place I tapped into when I was cut off from the force, compose my thoughts and report to the council.

{Holocron: End Encrypt}
{Holocron: Archive, Private Access}



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