Knights of the New Republic

Session 18: The Journals of Irsin Rashos

From the private Journals of Irsin Rashos
33:01:123 ABY; Near midnight, during security shift

(The image flickers into focus with Irsin clearly multitasking on another console screen, glancing around, occasionally inputting commands. After a minute or two he seems to pause, take stock of the screens he’s looking at, and turns back to the Holocron.)

So my shift is about halfway through. So far very little activity. The occasional critter runs by one of the motion sensors, and I have to pan the security cameras to check on it, but that’s about it.

I have to say, while it feels good to be of use on this mission, the sitting and waiting is becoming interminable.

(Irsin sighs shaking his head.)

Gives me too damn much time inside my own head.

I had another nightmare last night. This one was…worse than usual. I’m used to the self-taunting, even the oppressive guilt, but usually I’m at least able to parse fantasy from reality, dream from waking. I wasn’t so lucky this time. I couldn’t tell you if it was because of this Force forsaken planet, or if maybe somehow it’s just getting worse. Regardless…I’ve never had this much trouble coming out of one my waking visions, nevermind my nightmares.

This one dealt with a scene long past, early in my time with the Sith. It was one of the first events that began to cement myself as a cut above the rest of Grale’s apprentices.

Sugi Koth…oh what a waste of brilliance. She could have been amazing for the Sith if they’d only cultivated her strengths and avoided her weaknesses. But…such is not the Sith way. If you aren’t strong enough to survive, they don’t want you, no matter how useful you might be.

So it was that she was seeking a way to do just that. She had gathered a cotterie of stronger and more malleable apprentices to be her goons and protect her from those of us who would otherwise threaten her. Early on that worked just fine. Before people began to come into their own and realized what they were capable of. But things were coming to a head. The others were discovering their craftiness, and she’d already lost one of her bodyguards in an “accident” the day previous. She needed to make a statement to prevent further attrition. She decided I would be her example. She thought as one of the more isolated of the other apprentices, I’d be vulnerable and easy to remove.

She was wrong.

The three of them entered the sparring room late at night in the darkness. They surrounded me and attacked me just as I remember it happening. I managed to kill the two brainless fools she brought with her with only a minor shoulder injury. Sugi herself was able to wound me in the gut before I could kill her, but it wasn’t enough to save her. As I draw her face up to eye-level with mine, and my blade slides up into her midsection I stare triumphantly into her eyes.

But then…everything changed.

Suddenly I realize I’m not staring into Sugi’s face. It’s Yevra. In confusion I inspected the rest of the bodies and discover the other bodies are changed as well. Lying dead on the ground is also Jedi Master Darach, Yevra’s teacher. And there, the first one I killed, I find Q’ayla’s body.

Q’ayla. Oh Gods even now I shudder at how real it felt, how true it seemed. She was there, I saw her, and I was the one who killed her…

Then Grale is there, laughing at my mistake, my foolishness. I drown myself in my rage and frustration, loosing the emotions on Grale and snuffing him out, only to stare once again into the haunted eyes of my own Master Logrin as I end his life.

It was shortly after this that I woke and Q’ayla was knocking at my door trying to see if I was ok. I wasn’t…and it took her a long time to figure out how to get through to me. I was close…ever so close to losing my grip on reality…on sanity…in that moment. Q’ayla managed to pull me back – this time. But what about next time? Will she be enough? Will her emotions be enough to break through? Will she let them?

Q’ayla had her own nightmares it seems, and came to find me when she realized I was also in bad shape. We pulled ourselves out of it, together. If she hadn’t been there…oh gods I would probably be lost by now.

She seems to think these nightmares might be more than just that, that somehow they might be connected to the tasks at hand. I have a hard time dissagreeing with her given the presence of Yevra and Master Darach in my own nightmare. While I wish Yevra no real ill will, her death is not the usual torture of my own mind. And Master Darach I have never even met. The real question is…if this is some kind of message, then what are we supposed to get out of them? Or is this just some kind of reverberation from the disruption being caused in the force by all of this?

The part that worries me the most is whether we’ll be able to find the answers in time. Before we’re all overrun.

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