I am very, very tired.
The novelty of this feeling is actually kind of nice. Usually because of my meditations I don’t need sleep and since I meditate so often, I don’t often feel tired. But I am tired.
I had a good conversation with Q’ayla an hour or so ago and things are good. I still wish I knew what happened last night. I can’t shake the feeling that something is playing with us, and that something is more than just a person. But that is a topic for another day.
It seems Q’ayla and Irsin are getting closer. Q’ayla seemed worried I would be upset, which seems strange to me. I don’t understand emotions on the best of days, but even taking that into account, I wonder why it would be likely it would upset me. It’s not like with our bond that I am going to lose her to him. But I guess that is what normal people worry about.
I find myself slightly less calm than I normally am. Outside I could excuse it to the planet’s influence, but in here, in my sanctuary? I find myself struggling to understand some of what I am thinking and feeling. Right now it’s not that it is any stronger than normal, it’s just that it feels different to be me. This would usually cause me to want to meditate obsessively until I understood what was going on, but right now it makes me want to actually sleep.
I suspect a lot of this has to do with the backlash from whatever I did to that rancor. I find myself thinking about that rancor a lot despite not remembering it. I think I finally have the skull clean enough and the excess biological material removed that it won’t smell up my ship. Looking into its eyes didn’t hold any answers however, just more questions. For example, why did I keep its skull? Why was it so important to me that after waking up losing a night of memory and finding my sister and Irsin standing over me miles away from our camp in the middle of a dangerous Dathomir forest that keeping that token of it was so important? I tried doing research on hunting cultures of Dathomir and in general, but the night sisters or whoever is behind all this saw fit to destroy the holonet transceiver. Instead, I did the one thing I could do, clean it.
I haven’t tried the master holocron yet as I find myself apprehensive since my research will likely go into sections that are more dangerous. What I remember of the history of Emperor Palpatine is that he is extremely subtle for a sith lord. It is said that his words tend to carry suggestions that the unprepared might be swayed by. I am not sure how much stock to put in such stories, but it would be foolish for me to go in unprepared. Definitely not while I am tired.
I think Q’ayla has finally mentally broken with the order which means I have to do two things. One, finish my missives to the scribe. I have been lax of late finishing that task for him and I did tell him I would do it. Two, prepare for the event. I think I should talk to Irsin about setting up new private identities for us and moving some funds around for us. And I need to make sure what I write to send to them conveys the right message.
I also need to warn Master Vantai as I am sure this will be difficult and some of it might affect him.
I can probably talk to Master Vantai as he is probably with Master Shaper Rin right now, but the rest of it needs holonet access.
I miss Master Vantai. We discuss things over the holonet but it’s not the same as having the debates over the finer points of force theory and diplomacy we used to have. I find I even miss Master Duine. I think me leaving will hit him more than Master Vantai. Master Vantai and I will still keep in touch. I can’t see Master Duine talking to me after telling the Tarisian council that I thought they were wrong to repress emotions, which is a shame.
I am concerned about how Master Tahl will take it and more importantly how Q’ayla will cope with how Master Tahl is likely to take it. That is one of the main reasons I don’t want to do this in person. The other one I told to Q’ayla earlier is the power the council holds at the academy. I have no intention in giving up my lightsabers that I made with items gifted to me not because I was a Jedi but because I was a friend.
No matter, this will all resolve in due time. Right now I think I need to clean and tend to my armor, take another long shower and actually sleep. I haven’t done that in a while (at least not without going unconscious first) and I feel I would like to very much. I will deal with Vegere in the morning.