Knights of the New Republic

Session 10 - Q'aelane's Journal


I just got done with dinner. Today has been a weird day.

I saw Master Vantai today. I talk with him a lot, but it is good to see him from time to time.

It didn’t really go well with him and my sister. I would have been fascinated except it was happening to my friend and my sister.

I forget sometimes how analytical he can be. Its hard for me to think of him that way since he is the one that reminds me that not everything can be solved by distant analysis or meditation. I am reminded of the first time I spoke with him. I also forget that no matter how knowledgeable he is, I am probably the only person he has spoken to in decades about the subject and that no doubt colors his views as much as it colors mine. Combine that with the fact that despite having emotions he can be very internally focused whereas my sister is externally focused, I don’t have any idea why I thought this would help.

The biggest disconnect was his understanding of what happened to Q’ayla. While trying to get the full parameters, I think he might have forgotten he wasn’t talking to me about it. He pushed into areas and questions my sister can’t answer. Like why she was being tortured. What internal justification did the torturer use to justify what they did. It must have sounded to her like he was defending the torturer, even though I know if presented with the people in question he would not hesitate to cut them down to ensure peace. But he would do so knowing what they viewed themselves as. In fact possibly because of that.

I am not sure he is right when he says that no one thinks they are evil, there is always a justification. I think there is a small subset of people who are for whatever reason have their morality reversed. Either because they were abused by someone society sees as “good” or some other reason, they learn to don the trappings of evil and revel in it, not because the think it is right or justified, but because they can. I think there are very few of these, but I think Q’ayla’s torturers might be in that group. I am not sure having never met them, but it is possible. I will have to talk to him about that possibility some time later when if my sister comes in on the conversation it won’t hurt her so badly.

The second thing that went wrong is that Q’ayla felt that his strong disapproval of the sith and their influence on the peace and stability of the galaxy was an attack on Irsin the person. My sister can be very, very passionate about defending those she cares for, and she seems to care a great deal for Irsin. It doesn’t matter whether Master Vantai was right or wrong, or even that Irsin agreed or disagreed with his assesment, but the act of disagreeing with his way of life would have been enough that if he were not a Jedi Master and my friend, she might have reacted far more strongly. With Master Vantai dedicating his life to the pursuit of peace, not only as a Jedi but as a diplomat, he was probably coming on a bit too strong for my sister’s tastes.

As it is, I wish Irsin had participated more in the conversation as he had some interesting insights into the Sith way of life that perhaps Master Vantai was not aware of. I do think Irsin has blinders on about parts of his own order, but I do find the Sith philosopy he describes fascinating. The jedi order has surprseed so much about the Sith teachings that for most Jedi there is no way to be aware of what they actually believe internally.

I also think I messed up. In my curiosity about emotions, I tapped into my emotions about Q’ayla’s torturers to examine it and she sensed it and listened in. I think it disturbed her. She says she doesn’t want me to be angry at them or to seek them out.

I don’t understand, but that is nothing new so I will take her at her word (and her mind) and put it aside. I will have to come up with some other strong emotion that I can call up easily if I want to observe the effect of emotions on myself. Perhaps something positive instead of anger.

Other than the fact that putting her, Irsin and Master Vantai in the same room was an absolute failure (something which I should have predicted, but didn’t), the night went well I think…

… yea she feels happy right now, I will leave her be.

Irsin, Q’ayla and I got to talk. I think he understands a little better about how we operate as sisters now and how I operate in relation to emotions. I think he was concerned for a while thinking I was actively hiding or surpressing my emotions.

I also think there was far too much subtext and hidden context in that dinner conversation. I don’t think either Irsin or Q’ayla realize the full extent of the subtext. Then again maybe they do realize it, it’s hard to say. They seem to be dancing around the subject quite a bit, but that might be normal.

What would be truly amusing is if all this dancing was because they were concerned about how I would feel. Its also possible that neither have had to deal with emotions like this.

Either way, I trust Irsin not to hurt my sister on purpose, and I also trust he knows that if he does, he will not have very long to regret the mistake.

Shoot, I think Q’ayla might have heard that… no… wait… damn. I do wish I knew more about emotions if for no other reason than to help Q’ayla let go of the pain of her torture.

I didn’t realize how much she suffered at the hands of the order. Enduring lecture after lecture on why emotions are bad must have been hard.

They never bothered lecturing me that way. The only lectures I got was when my reasoning disagreed with theirs. I think at some level they realized that if there were areas where we disagreed, it would take more than “this is bad…” to convince me of the fact. Consequently, most of my lectures were more like debates. It must have really stung to have someone you trust lecture you on something that is natural to you being wrong and bad. No wonder my sister always feels guilty.

No wonder she associates that “teaching voice” that the Masters always don as threatening. I don’t even think Master Vantai was aware he put on the “teacher Vantai” mask.

Having observed her teach her students, I am not sure she realizes how good she is at the “teacher” mask herself, let alone that she dons it from time to time.

So maybe not talking about Master Vantai around my sister for a while is a good idea.

I think we are going to have our hands full on Dathomir anyway. I…

… ok now she is happy again, gleeful almost… I wonder how she can be in wonder of my ability to set aside emotions when it seems so easy for them to change in her.

(sigh) all of these emotions are giving me a headache. Maybe its time I meditate.

Although, hmm.

{Holocron…Command Mode Active…}

Set personal reminder to talk to sister about permission to observe her emotions to see if I can learn what the… er, yea now that I am saying that out loud, that is a pretty bad idea…

{Holocron…Reminder paused…Command Mode Active…}

Abandon and delete personal reminder.

{Holocron…Reminder deleted.}

Now where was I, oh yes… End recording.




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