There were some of words I found in the meditations I read long ago, a code like our code but more. I find myself reflecting on it more and more and on the “normal” Jedi code less and less. So perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised that it comes to mind now.
Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Q’ayla’s friend and student was removed from the order. This hurts my sister quite deeply and through her I feel a sense of loss. This is one of the things I have to get used to about our bond. People have often commented about the differences in our emotions, even we have questioned whether or not I am just feeling the same things and reacting differently. Now that our bond has expanded, I can say with some certainty that my sister definitely experiences emotions differently than I do.
She is no doubt still too busy adapting to the multiple sensory peculiarities of our bond to notice the fact, but I am sure it will occur to her at some point. I wonder what she will think?
I do feel for Alema. I really do. But Alema will find her path and I can’t help but to be at peace about it. Perhaps her path will coincide with ours, perhaps the feeling of peace is because I have had a wonderful two days despite the emotions flying around. I have had a chance to be all the things I love: scholar, scientist, diplomat, sister. All without having to worry about imminent Sith invasion, manipulative Sith masters, accusatory Jedi masters and complex council related machinations.
I spent a few hours talking to Master Shan yesterday. I answered a few historical questions that have been lost for centuries and have always made me curious. The best part is when the council asks me about why I didn’t give them the holocron at first, I can point to that and say… that’s why. After a week of hell (a few days?), I decided that since the council was sequestered attempting to decide the fate of a Padawan in love and since no one knew about the holocron let alone was trying to steal it, I would take a morning to indulge in my scholarly side and learn again. If they have a problem with that, well that is why I am leaving my sabers on the ship tomorrow… but I am getting ahead of myself.
After that and checking in on the Padawan’s healing progress, I spent an afternoon studying the plague and sharing my observations of it. Not as a frenzied attempt to fix it, just as a scientist looking at one of the universes many curiosities. Here was a viral organism that as a strain had been imbued with the force. That in and of itself is worth studying.
After that I got to be sister and diplomat both. My sister needed me, needed my words. Needed me to help her in areas where she is not comfortable. I think I was able to sway a few of the council (no mean feat) and at least they gave Alema a choice. I am sure Q’ayla is beating herself up over it, but we did good. We broke through some barriers. Even if the end result was the same, the path there was far different than it would have been had we not spoken up.
Which brings me to our meeting tomorrow. There will no doubt be some summary words about our time in the promised land and our roles in saving the Padawan. Then we will be asked why we didn’t tell them about the holocron. How do I know this? I sensed it from him again. Master D’Vorn.
I wonder if he remembers when we first met, I know I do. Of course I think I would remember that meeting even if the force hadn’t blessed me with perfect recall. But I do have that recall and I can remember what color robe he was wearing, the look on his face and the feel of his mind. It is one of my earliest memories of the Jedi order. I guess in a way it serves to shape me as a Jedi even now.
We were young, far too young. We had been taken from our families and homes and put in a strange place. There were strangers who tried to calm us (some with words, and some I could feel in my head), but we felt so alone. They talked to themselves about splitting us up. To try and cheer my sister up, I decided to give us something that would always be ours. Somehow, tapping into some instinctual understanding that I could not replicate even today, I changed our hair. I should say we changed our hair. My sister supplied quite a bit of the power needed, while I provided the finesse.
Now when I say we changed our hair, we did not just change its color. No, we changed the very genetic structures of us so our hair would change. Our hair turned purple of all things and it would continue to grow that way for as long as we had hair. It started to cheer my sister immensely (she has always had a thing for purple). That’s when we met Master D’Vorn. Without even trying I could feel the disapproval as he approached us. A slight twitch in his face that I look back on and recognize from my recent encounters with him. A twitch that said, “these ones need to be watched” more than any words he could have said.
But we were not so lucky as to avoid words. There were words to us about how there are some things which should never be done, no reason given just they never should be done. There were words near us where they thought we could not hear or sense about history, about the first break. Things I didn’t understand then, but looking back, I understand now. Words like, “too dangerous”, “dark side”, “irresponsible”, “undisciplined”… things that make young ones cry. I did not cry. Every time he came back to explain how what we did was bad, I simply listened and did not react. I think that threw him more than anything. My sister, she reacted. I have no idea where she learned some of those words, and even today there are a few of them I couldn’t define if I wanted to. Me, I did not trust this stranger enough to have emotions around him. I just coldly explained what we did and why we did it. I disliked him immediately, I had succeeding in making my sister happy and then he called what I did evil and then proceeded to made my sister cry… I thought he was worthless and didn’t care what he had to say.
Looking back at how he looked at me, I think that apparent lack of emotion and lack of reaction caused him to twitch ever so slightly more. When I felt his mind probing mine, I simply told him firmly to get out of our heads. I think that was the last pazaak card in the deck. Q’ayla ran up and kicked him full force in the face. Things then went a bit sideways for a while.
Eventually things calmed down and they introduced us to Master Tahl. He was able to calm my sister and explain how dangerous something like that was in a way that I understood. Not judgmentally but simply and factually. He did not talk about the dark side, he simply pointed out what could happen if I made a mistake. I told him that if that were the case, I didn’t want to try reversing it in case it went wrong. I think he was surprised at my response.
To this day, every time I see that twitch, I know I have done something that worries him. I saw that twitch today when we presented the holocron. Its the twitch of one whose code allows no leeway, no other options, no compassion.
Some day, I will feel it necessary to explain to him that it is people like him who cause the conflicts and wars. I will dispassionately describe how his unwavering service to his code makes it impossible for the galaxy to truly find peace. With no emotion, no passion, embodying his code, I will make it known that his rigid adherence embodies the perpetuation of this pointless conflict. With my sister in the state she is in, that day may be tomorrow. Hence I leave my sabers in my ship. The pieces that went into their making were gifts to me from people who are special to me. Their construction was mine and mine alone. If I leave the Jedi, they are coming with me.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
<sigh> Speaking of my sister, I wonder how she is…. ah talking to Master Shan, good. I will leave them their privacy, besides her passion burns to hot for me right now. I am glad we found Master Shan. I think she, more than Vegere, will be able to help me navigate the chaos and help us to create something that can truly bring peace to the galaxy. Not the peace of the dogmatic or the reactionary, but the peace that includes compassion and acceptance of emotions.
Emotions can be passionate, can be chaotic, but if we keep centered and do not let them control us… they can give sentients so much strength in difficult times. To deny their value is to close ones eyes to history.
Even in the order, those that we look back on as great all tapped their emotions and compassion. The many Skywalkers and Solos are perfect examples. I cannot off the top of my head think of a single Skywalker or Solo that didn’t flirt with the dark side at one point or another. Master Luke Skywalker, the Master that arguably rebuilt the entire order himself, fell and came back. Without his passion and love for the order and his family, we would not have a Jedi order.
What the order ignores in its dogmas is that you need Passion to rally other to a cause, Love to be attached enough to a cause or people to be willing to sacrifice yourself to that cause or for those people. Even anger has its role. It is natural to be angry at someone who harms someone you love. As long as you don’t let that anger control your actions, what is the harm? It is a natural survival mechanism.
No matter how many treaties I mediate, bridges I build, alliances I form… it is not people like me who get remembered by history. Its people like my sister who secretly burn with the light of a thousand suns who cause great things to happen. People like myself, we are just here to make sure that the great things that happen are beneficial to those that we love. We are the finesse.
Death, yet the Force.
One of the primal meanings of death is change. I can feel the change coming. For all that I remain an obedient Jedi, I have already broken with the order. They have no power over me that I do not choose to loan them. I sense my sister is not there yet. I will be here to help her and guide her and hope that some day soon, she will finally free herself from her self-imposed chains. So for her sake, I will speak tomorrow only of scholars, scientists and diplomacy. But just in case she chooses now to be the time she frees herself, the sabers stay here.