From the private Journals of Irsin Rashos
32:01:123 ABY; Late night after Q’ayla leaves
(Irsin blearily rubs his eyes as the holocron engages and his image comes into view.)
Well, the plans are laid out as best they can be at this point. Still have to implement it all tomorrow but it’s about as good as it’s going to get. At least we got the generator going, without that this would all be waste of time.
Been a long time since I’ve had to play security detail for a large scale meeting like this…usually I’m the guy trying to figure out how to bypass these sorts of measures to get to someone on the inside. I suppose that gives me a unique perspective, but if the Nightsisters come for us here, I doubt they are going to take a subtle approach. No sense taking chances though.
(Irsin cuts off abruptly and smiles wryly at himself, wiping a hand across his forehead.)
Immortal Gods am I tired. I’m babbling. As a told Q’ayla earlier I just can’t shake the feeling that this meeting is a trap somehow. I don’t know where or how but I swear we’ll regret this. And even if I’m wrong…even if all the clans unite and everything we hope for this summit comes to pass, it’s unlikely to be even half of what we’d need to win this battle. With no comm relay and no way to get help from off-planet we’re stuck here fighting a losing battle against an ever-growing army. How do we stop that? How can we possibly turn this tide?
We need a shaman of our own…we need someone who can go toe to toe with Darrack. Without that or a way to counter his power we’re just kidding ourselves.
I can only hope that Q’aleane is figuring something out using that book. I wish I knew how I could help her in what she’s doing, but whatever her bargain with The Fanged God, some of it at least was knowledge no one else seems to have, even Barukka.
She goes off on these tangents and never seems to understand when other’s can’t follow them. Except to her they aren’t usually tangents, we just can’t see the connections.
Frankly despite Q’ayla’s reservations I have a hard time seeing how we get what we need without returning to the spirit realm. We need to make contact with the Tree or the tower, ideally both. Without their help in this we have little chance of getting out of here alive, never mind turning the shaman back.
(Irsin sighs heavily and his shoulders slump slightly)
And in the meantime Q’ayla doesn’t understand me. Not that I should expect anything different I suppose…but I had hoped? No, I had pretended that it wouldn’t be an issue. Any thought I had that she would understand evaporated when I tried to show her how to manage her emotions and she knocked me halfway across the room.
She says she wants me to be myself. To not hide, but if she had any idea…if she really understood the thoughts that cross my mind would she want anything to do with me? She doesn’t understand my anger, but she says she loves me anyway. How is that even possible? Does she know that if it weren’t for the fact she’s useful in our battle and that Q’ayla would disapprove I’d have killed Yevra already simply because she has been an annoyance? Does she know how much disdain I have for the backwater people on this planet who righteously ignore thousands of years of galactic progress on both technology and social equality? Does she know how little I care if they all die in a sea of swarming monsters of their own making?
Does she even suspect that the only reason I’m here is for her and her sister?
If a people can’t deal with a problem within their own ranks, they don’t deserve to remain in control. Of all the lessons the Sith taught me, the survival of the strongest is the one that rings the harshest and yet with the most truth. The galaxy isn’t going to give anything away for free, and in the long run we spend needless resources trying to protect a backward way of life here that for one reason or another seems eternally susceptible to Dark Side influence. No matter how many times it is squashed. Don’t they see that it’s only reinforcing the same patterns that led to all of this in the first place?
And that is how I feel. That is all the real me. But I can’t show her that can I? I can’t show her that I’m heartless and cruel, because then she will turn away from me, and I will be left with nothing. I tried to explain to her…my hope that by doing what I know she would want I might learn to want to do the right thing for my own reasons. But she seemed to think that wasn’t enough. How do I explain to her that I can’t think of any other way to do what she would consider the right thing? Why else justify the action? If I can’t make myself care, what else can you do?
(Irsin’s fists clench on his knees as he leans forward gesturing to punctuate his words. With the last shakes his head and releases them.)
But it doesn’t matter. Even with all of that true I am here. And they do need my help. And I will do it even if it is only because Q’ayla and Q’aleane need the help. And if I die to keep them alive? Then perhaps I’ve done a small thing to redeem my crimes.
(Irsin stares down at his hands with a look of resignation on his face for a long moment. Then he reaches across and switches off the holocron.)