Knights of the New Republic

Session 14: The Journals of Irsin Rashos

From the private Journals of Irsin Rashos
27:01:123 ABY; Early evening aboard Ship

(Irsin sits down heavily on his bed, putting his face in his hands, which are trembling slightly. He just sits there for a moment, breathing irregularly, his breath hissing through his fingers.)

I very nearly wasn’t fast enough. Immortal Gods I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t been there in time. This blasted rock can go scratch gravel for all I care. It’s tearing us apart. It already tried to kill Q’aleane and now it almost got Q’ayla.

When will it come after me?

(Irsin finally lifts his head from his hands and stares off beyond the holocron. He heaves a very heavy sigh)

We had gone back to see Barukka after a fairly successful day, convincing the final 2 major clans to join our “summit”. We spoke of many things including logistics, but then , abruptly, Q’aleane asked me to take Yevra back to the ship and wait there while they finished talking to Barukka about something.

So it was that I was on the ship occupying myself at my workstation when Q’aleane’s voice spoke in my head, completely devoid of any emotion or context.

My Sister needs you.

I may have reacted… rashly given the actual details provided. For example I completely missed the email Q’aleane sent with the audio recording of the event that transpired. But I went rushing off thinking Q’ayla was under attack. As it was I wasn’t far off, just misunderstood the nature of it.

In Q’ayla’s room she sat there, with her lightsaber hilt held towards her chest, ready to kill herself. My mind raced through the ways I might stop her. Break her arm with the Force? Knock the lightsaber off course or out of her hand? Dive for her hoping to stop her hand from pressing the switch? In all cases all I knew I would be too slow. Even an apprentice could press a button before anyone could cross a room, and Q’ayla was no apprentice, especially not with her lightsaber.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I slowly approached and I made the decision about more than just herself. I gambled that the feelings which had developed between us, were enough to snap her out of whatever desperate spiral her mind had become stuck in.

It was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done as long as I can remember. I can’t remember ever giving someone else power over me like that willingly. Even when I studied with the Imperial Knights I never willingly put myself in control of someone else, much less my life itself. It was always too much, I couldn’t afford to lose my grip on my own course and life. But this time… I did it. I handed her control. She could have killed me, and there was nothing I could have done to stop her. Oddly when I told her I didn’t want to survive if she wasn’t in the world, I realized it was actually true. All my new hope, my sense of awareness and forgiveness. It all seems to come from her. Every time I imagine a world without her…

(Irsin’s hands clench so hard that his knuckles creak, and his eyes glaze over briefly with a yellow tinge)

It wouldn’t end well for anyone.

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about it? It actually worked. Not only did I manage to truly surrender myself to her judgement…she actually put the lightsaber down. And she seemed to slowly come out of the pit she had fallen into. I spent the rest of the time we talked trying to convince her that it wasn’t hopeless, and that her Sister hadn’t fallen off the deep end. I don’t know if it worked…but it seemed to.

Bah, sometimes I just want to shake them both. I would like nothing more than to toss those unruly, purple haired, nitwits on the ship and get out of here…but they both seem intent on playing ‘Kick-the-Rancor’ here instead. And much as I’d like to believe otherwise, there is something here that needs our attention.

Not only whatever grey holocron we need to find, but this influence…it’s not natural. It isn’t just dark…it’s evil. The Dark Side, despite what most Jedi might wish to believe, is not evil. It’s a reflection of our baser emotions, our more primal selves. But it isn’t inherently evil. Dark Side users still want to live – they might seek to master others for their own ends, even oppress those they see as unworthy, and commit atrocities to those ends.

But something about this thing…I don’t think it wants anything, except our extermination. That’s what it seems like anyway. I think the most remarkable thing thus far, is how little it seems to have touched me the way it has touched the sisters. Perhaps it simply is attracted to more…bright sources in the force than someone like me? Perhaps despite my attempts to split hairs, I’m close enough to this abomination already, that I’m not considered something that needs to be exterminated so readily…

Ah, by the Force what does she see in me?

(a knock sounds at the door)

Irsin?

(Irsin looks up)

Coming! (and under his breath) we may never know…

(He hurriedly shuts the holocron down)

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