Knights of the New Republic

Session 6: Journal for Q'aleane

{Holocron…Begin Recording, Private Message, Highest Encryption}

As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts (much more difficult than usual) I realize it has been … Months since I last tried to record my thoughts.

Since then, we have enacted the plan I laid out in my last recording and succeeded. We have been travelling with our Master as our guide in a sort of Jedi probation as we sought to find the Sith master. During this time we have spent most of it cut off from Irsin, but that seems to be at an end soon. Soon we will be able to begin to persue what I think will be more important than the life of any Sith lord.

Maybe that and my newfound bond is what makes me think back to Zonama Sekot. Maybe its more than that. As usual my mind is echos within echos of itself. Now there is another echo to add to the choir. Maybe my memory is pulling me away to quiet the choir for a time.

Darkenss… I remember, as memory is all that is left for me. Around me a void. There is nothing wrong with my sight, there is just nothing to see. I remember thinking once long ago that pain can show a person who they are. In a lesser way people find out if they are the kind of person to hide pain so as not to be a burden or share pain and gather strength from friends. That level of pain was an eternety ago… I remember being able to sense others, if no one else my sister. Now I am left only with my thoughts and the pain.
Why did I choose to come to Zonama, Why do I choose to talk to the Yuuzhan Vong?… that question keeps ringing through my mind.

Sorry, my memory got away from me that time. Odd that now when blessed and burdened with a deeper connection with my sister than either of has ever known that my mind would wander to a time when her presense was no where in my mind.

Where was I, oh yes the path ahead. I guess I can’t think about the path ahead before thinking more on the path behind. The past months have been dominated by two sith lords. Irsin’s master and our temporary, what, ally? No not really. His bond with Irsin’s mother while a pale narcasistic imitation of love was still strong enought that at least for a time his intrests and ours seemed compatible. And Irsin asked me to let him live, for now. I know my sister would rather have taken him into custody and be done with it, and it would have resulted in less pain in the end, but sometimes pain is the only way forward.

Pain… and that question again. Why am I here? Because I was sent? While true that is not exactly truth. I do want to become a Jedi Knight, it is all my sister and I have done our whole lives. But the truth that I am beginning to realize now is that the Jedi, well the Jedi are wrong. My sister would flip her lid if she heard me say it but they are. Like the force with the Yuuzhan Vong, the Jedi choose not to see that which is disconnected and different. And like the Yuuzhan Vong, that which is different is more like us than we know.

Ok this is getting old, between the Ship, my sister, my Master’s exercises do I have to put up with memory flashbacks as well? Really?

Ok centered again. That is becoming harder and harder. You would think that all the time meditating would make it easier but, no.

The other Sith Lord was a shapeshifter named Korvus Doone. Or as I will refer to him henceforth, Darth Sofa. He had been masquerading as Grale in an attempt to gain prominince in that way that the Sith do. For all the mistakes of the Jedi, at least they are not the Sith. After much tracking, we found him on Nar Shadaa. Where else but the definition of pit of scum and villany.

damn I did it again Bairly an echo this time, good we are getting more used to it. And the ship is still comfortably in hyperspace. Where was I?

Where am I? It has been so long, I don’t even know any more. A part of my brain must know as it keeps asking the same insufferable question. Why am I here? I am here inside myself because that is the last place anyone will look for me. It is the last place that is safe. But I feel now that I am answering the wrong question. Why am I here physically in this place I can feel if I let myself… I can almost, but no still nothing, still void. But if why I am here is not because I was sent, then why? Was it to hone my skill? To train under Master Vantai, one of the preminent diplomats of the order? Well yes, but that hardly seems worth what I am going through now is it. No there must be more…

Enough… Where was I, oh yes. Darth Sofa. We eventually tracked him to his “lair”. I tried to prepare myself as I always do but the images I got in the force were so confusing. It is hard at the best of times to know if they are figurative or literal, in this case they were literal.

When we entered, he was waiting for us sitting on a sofa. After greeting us, he changed… sofa and all. I was expecting the shapeshifter to shapeshift, but his furnature? My memory of lore indicated that some shapeshifters could become very powerful and being a Sith, he no doubt found ways to merge the force into his natural abilities the same way we do. But I was blown away by not only the fact he transformed from a sofa, but what he transformed into! In my knowledge of lore, no one has fought and defeted a terentatek in millenia. I am sure there might be a sparse instance that I may not have heard of or never entered the records. I am sure because from what lore I can remember, they come back whenever the dark side gains power. At least that is the legend. At first I thought he chose the shape to scare us, but no it had all the traditional powers of one. How a force user could mimic the ability of a terentatek to resist the force is strange beyond words. But we won! I should have been exhuberant… but once again pain, pain changes everything.

Am I fooling myself, if not to hone my skill or because I was sent, is my motivation for glory? Do I seek to become known as one of the Jedi that helped broker a peace on Zonoma Sekot? A deep part of me says that there is a little of that. To have something that I have done be that noteworthy would be quite acceptable. But there is more, there has to be… I would not be the one to get the glory, after all I am but a Padawan. So what little left over bragging rights I have would be vastly overshadowed by this ordeal. So why then?

… apparently my memory wants to tell me something… well it can wait till I am done.
As I was saying. Pain has a way of changing things. The mass he obtained in order to transform out of proportion was discovered early in the fight to come from Irsin’s mother. The Laela that fueled his quest for revenge for so long, still alive, in the belly of the beast we even now have slain. And almost her with it. She was physically fine, but her life… ebbed out slowly. I could not let this stand. Not after what we had gone through. Not after what Irsin had gone through. Not while I breathed. Of course healing her almost changed that last one. I had to go further than I have gone… well since that day.

Why? Is it to heal? I tried that, it only brought more pain. I almost broke through but healing was not enough. Just like my motivations. To help a people no one else will help. That rings far truer than any other answer I have given… but still there is more, I can feel it under the surface just like the pain I now block out. But my healing did something… I can almost make out the edges of something, almost feel something that feels like it was not meant to be felt. Something is definitely changing.

“my healing did something” indeed. While I suffer no delusions that my healing caused any of this… that one act of over exertion threw me into unconsciousness. I have seen through my sister’s eyes what happened next and Grale’s inevitable betrayal. I have seen what my sister hides from herself, when she reached out in the force and gave strength and control to Irsin, something she would never admit to being able to do. Something that she should be as proud of as her extreme skill in lightsaber combat. But what happened after… well that, that will be with us for quite some time. Somehow being cut off from her again intensified our bond. For a while it was like when I first bound to the ship, except where the ship instinctually knew, my sister… well I am glad she is finally able to get some rest. I can’t have made it easy on her, between the subconscious by now need to check the status of the ship and the normal functioning of my thoughts… I tried to ease the burden but meditation can only go so far.

I can’t stay this way forever. I can maintain my refuge in myself for a long time but that won’t give me what I want. So what is it I want? To know? Close, I can almost feel the answer… but no, I could have gained knowledge from books, rare as they are I could spend a year in the library on corusant and know more than I will ever learn here about the Yuuzhan Vong. To experience? No, thats not it…

Thanks to our master, we have gained some level of control. And now we return to Taris. I suspect we will be given more freedom. Irsin, well Irsin will need help. And I sense (more now than ever) that Q’ayla is conflicted and will need help. But despite all that, we will finally be free to persue or own quest. the freedom to explore, to learn, to grow, to…

I opened my mind and could finally see around me. I saw for the first time, the contraption I was in, the house and my “host” Master Shaper Aaf Rin. With a gathering of my will I was able to tear myself from the contraption and stare right at her. That is when I first realized, the question that had been haunting me for so long was coming from her lips… So I answered her, for now I understood. “I seek to understand.” “Understand what?” she asked in reply. “Yes.” “Then come with me and we can attempt to understand together. Master Zatoq is wating, he has been worried you have been silent for a week.” Only a week. It felt like a lifetime. I tenatively felt out and was able to find my connection with my sister again.

Understand. I can now feel my sister closer than ever, I think in time we will grow into this new bond and until then I will help where I can. I will also help Irsin where I can, in the hopes he can join us on this quest of understanding. There is risk, there is always risk where pain is involved. Especially since our guide is one who, like I, have looked into the heart of herself and learned who she was though pain. But unlike her, I know that the path of pain must be tred seldom and lightly lest it consume. And as long as I remain, whatever pain is caused by our path, they will be healed. At least while I still breathe. Perhaps longer.

{End Holocron Recording, private access}

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